New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
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