it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
