508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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