Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
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