My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
