Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
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