I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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