Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize