In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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