soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize