Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
