so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
