You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
