Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
