That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
