and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
