she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
In America we eat man semen.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
