Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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