Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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