But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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