drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
