you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
