I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
