well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I think I won the penis lottery.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize