she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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