i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
