he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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