i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
