my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
