Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
