did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
