like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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