She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
