someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
