Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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