I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
