My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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