Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
