So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i dont even know how to be here
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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