party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
