Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
