fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm going to jail i love you
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
