everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
