i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
