I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
