u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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