: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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