I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
