Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize