I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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