He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize