Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
