Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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