I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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