did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
