What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
