I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
