There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
40s are totally the cure
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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