separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
