I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
