you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
